Letters to josh; hypnagogia


Dear Josh,

I know it has been a while since I wrote to you, but you of all people would know what I have been going through, It has been a while since I adopted the third person’s perspective when dealing with my surroundings and the events that fills them .. the good, the bad and the ugly,

I am becoming more and more distant of reality that I don’t feel anything anymore, it is a level of daunting apathy, I am dealing with everything on the same level of consciousness with a predetermined notion of ” shit happens”, months ago I told you how drained I was on all levels, now I am not sure what this means. A hypnagogic state is what it is, “a peculiar sensory experience that includes a mesmerizing array of visions, sounds, bodily sensations and insights as one sails through the borderland state. I am struggling to wake up but I can’t,  knowing that getting out of bed should be easy at least easier than the thought of having one of my best friends in prison for 34 days now, easier than reading an oped in a newspaper suggesting the extermination of homeless children and/or whoever might be accused of halting the military efforts to advance the country, easier than getting used to the arrest and torture of friends, friends of friends and others, easier than seeing a military parade showing how a cop disguised as a tree would end crime in this sad excuse for a country,  easier than facing the fact that an alleged “friend” used a critical time in my life when I was  most vulnerable to prove a point and get himself some self confidence on my behalf.

I went to Thessaloniki two weeks ago and for the time I spent there I didn’t have any anxiety attacks which was a bit awkward, I liked and disliked people, I enjoyed and got bored of things and places, it was like a stone thrown in a lake and all of a sudden I remembered the feeling of being awake but like all good things in life it ended and I am back in this bottomless pit of self loathing.

I am starting to think that I should just leave the country, I have never believed in borders anyway, it might be the last chance to wake up but on what costs …. good news is I seeded a new parallel existence of mine when I was in Greece and I can assume that it is the best yet.

lots of love

Zeyad

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