Numbly ever after


Dear Josh,

I know the fact that I am opening a word document and writing to you might seem odd,  since you popped into my head few years ago we never corresponded via writing, but I am getting older and my memory is getting weaker so I decided to start writing to you.

Writing to you has been a persistent thought in my head, believe me, I tried many times to dismiss it but it was as impossible as the times I tried dismissing you when you first appeared. We have had many conversations together and I admit most of them were ones of the most meaningful conversations I have had in this life. It always baffles me how fast and easy you get me. I confess it was weird at first since I haven’t known you before and come to think of it, I still don’t know you, sometimes I don’t even get you, but you are always there when I need to talk, speaking to me in a silence.

I have been feeling numb towards life, I am never really sad or really happy, all sorts of emotions have been downgraded tremendously, first was by choice as I thought this is the only way I can get through with my life but now it is not.

Since I was a little kid whenever I am put into a situation that was beyond my comprehension I just go to my room, talk a little bit with the wall next to my bed and sleep, my mom used to tell me this is how I escape problems and I should face them instead.

I faced them, I faced them all, I opened myself to others, I let them in and they all let me down one way or another until I got exhausted and decided to take matters in my own hands. It was good and it kept getting better and the dream got bigger  each day.

Then I fell in love, I fell in friendships and I fell in a revolution,

Then people died, lovers became acquaintances and friends became mirrors.

I’ve always hated mirrors and loved my friends.

Consciously, I started convincing myself that it is not real; nothing is real until unconsciously this notion took over. I lost touch with reality on some level, I treat everything as a dream that will eventually end; whenever something has a consequence it shakes my belief system as it should have ended when it did.

I believe I ran out of sadness, happiness, excitement or even heart beats.

If everything inevitably turns into nothing, then nothingness is the only permanent state we could be, hence the meaninglessness of everything else.

I kind of miss me though.

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